Commentary for Matt

Here we have an essay that is well spoken but does not include substantial arguments for the opposing side in this essay. I, being a person of the opposing side, was not convinced that the Internet was "changing the way i think" because they were barley any examples of what the Internet was doing to me to suggest that. Most of the essay was concentrated on how teen bullying has now transferred to the Internet and is a real problem. I thought this was a great point, but did lead in to the original argument of the Internet being a doomsday for everyone. The beginning was actually going great, but then the essay took a sharp u turn and from then on did not come back to the original point. Some tips for you Matt would be use some language to get your audience who are on the fence to join your side. For example, "social media has allowed to connect people around the world, but it has also allowed groups to connect together to bully other kids." Although I still think you need to think long and hard if you want to keep the "bully teen approach" ,because I did find it interesting, you are just going to need to change your thesis to match what is going on. The whole argument just seemed a little to far fetched for me. I understand your points because the style was fantastic, but if you are going to talk about how we are going to live in a disaster because of the Internet, explain how teen bullying is going to make the world into chaos. Also I would recommend using the route of how the Internet is changing the way we think because I thought you were definitely onto something there and I think that you should build your thesis around that point not this doomsday approach because the thesis as it stands now seems to make people who are on the fence that much more skeptical about your argument. However, if this was an article for a magazine with an audience that was already on your side then this was a home run, but since that is not the case for this essay I again stress that it should be looked over in another context again. One part that was very fascinating was the introduction all the way till the thesis so I would advise to keep all of that! Lastly, if I were in your shoes I would bring some more evidence, maybe some case studies on how the internet changes our brain and decreases our patience. Overall great piece to read, but needs a little touching up if you want to get people who are on the fence. Thank You!